It’s been 6 months since I’ve posted anything and here’s why.

toriborn
BAM.

In mid-May of this year, I finally hatched that egg I was sitting on. She came in at a roaring 6lbs 1oz and was a tiny, pink bundle of sleepiness and anxiety. So, she’s basically a chip off the ol’ block.

Pregnancy is no fucking joke, either. It is the great equalizer of all women. Be ye a hot chick, fat chick, rich chick, poor chick, thicc chick or stick chick, we will all have our moments when we will stand sideways in the mirror and weep. Pregnancy completely destroys a woman’s body. Ever heard of diastasis recti? Me neither, until it completely split my abdomen in half, thereby leaving me with hanging fat flaps and a postpartum, deflated tummy that looks like a sad, red, kickball.

redkickball
“TWINGGG!”

The damage is even worse if your body was already partially destroyed by years of teenage fast food binges, followed by a few adult years of militant vegetarianism, followed by even more years of meat indulgence required to make paltry gains at the gym. What used to be just a tolerable smidgen of cushion is now a dangling dollop of FUPA CHALUPA crowned with a mangy tuft of pubic hair and a fancy new c-section scar.

KissMeWhereIPee
You care barely even see the scar.

And as I type here, my beautiful, now almost 6 month old daughter sits in her plastic, Fisher-Price rocker drooling and cooing over bootleg Baby Einstein videos. To be honest, it’s the only way I can get any peace and she seems to enjoy the shitty, low-res puppets and bouncing, early 2000’s white children. And despite the fact that she’s been fed, changed, and snuggled to death, I can’t hep but feel like a shitty mom. So, it looks like I’m off to a great start.

And speaking of shitty, have a peak into my future with this little YouTube vid. I’m going to go rub Lansinoh on my cracked nipples.

Over and out.

– BMB