It’s been 6 months since I’ve posted anything and here’s why.
In mid-May of this year, I finally hatched that egg I was sitting on. She came in at a roaring 6lbs 1oz and was a tiny, pink bundle of sleepiness and anxiety. So, she’s basically a chip off the ol’ block.
Pregnancy is no fucking joke, either. It is the great equalizer of all women. Be ye a hot chick, fat chick, rich chick, poor chick, thicc chick or stick chick, we will all have our moments when we will stand sideways in the mirror and weep. Pregnancy completely destroys a woman’s body. Ever heard of diastasis recti? Me neither, until it completely split my abdomen in half, thereby leaving me with hanging fat flaps and a postpartum, deflated tummy that looks like a sad, red, kickball.
The damage is even worse if your body was already partially destroyed by years of teenage fast food binges, followed by a few adult years of militant vegetarianism, followed by even more years of meat indulgence required to make paltry gains at the gym. What used to be just a tolerable smidgen of cushion is now a dangling dollop of FUPA CHALUPA crowned with a mangy tuft of pubic hair and a fancy new c-section scar.
And as I type here, my beautiful, now almost 6 month old daughter sits in her plastic, Fisher-Price rocker drooling and cooing over bootleg Baby Einstein videos. To be honest, it’s the only way I can get any peace and she seems to enjoy the shitty, low-res puppets and bouncing, early 2000’s white children. And despite the fact that she’s been fed, changed, and snuggled to death, I can’t hep but feel like a shitty mom. So, it looks like I’m off to a great start.
And speaking of shitty, have a peak into my future with this little YouTube vid. I’m going to go rub Lansinoh on my cracked nipples.
Over and out.
– BMB
You’re backkkkk!! And CONGRATULATIONS on your little bundle of joy 😀 :D. Seriously, where have the last six months gone?
Holy shitballs, diastasis recti sounds insane. And uncomfortable. I don’t know how something so natural can cause destroy so many parts of the body. I still find it weird that I’ve grown a brain. And a heart. Like our bodies literally grew human organs.
Speaking of pregnancy, I’m knocked up again! Not sure how I’m going to survive having a toddler and a baby. Probably going to need an IV drip of caffeine and vodka.
Hope you have been well, look forward to reading your posts.
OVER AND OUT,
C dawwg
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Giiiiiiirrrrrrlllllll! First of all, I am a lousy responder-backer. Secondly, congratulations on getting knocked up! Caffeine and vodka drips are for pussy graduate students and overworked copy editors. Gotta get you some of dat Four Loko shit. It’s the choice of hillbillies and Trump voters everywhere!
Doing well otherwise. Working on a new post but it’s gonna take some time and research. And by “research” I mean I have to watch a lot of shitty movies.
Also, loving the look of your site! Very professional. I’m still trying to get mine to look like a really nice professional writer’s portfolio but, right now, I can’t even take an uninterrupted shit. So there’s that.
And thanks for retweeting my articles and spreading the good word. I appreciate it so much. Found you on Facebook so I will continue to quietly stalk/harass you there.
Wuv you C dawwg!
-BMB
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