When I was a kid, my dad and I would drive every summer to some bum-fuckity little town in Texas to visit his shit-talking, tortilla-guzzling, asshole-of-a-family. Along the way, we stopped at a gas station and he gave me a few bucks to go buy whatever snacks my little childhood obesity-ass desired. After stocking up on Funyuns and Clearly Canadian, I went to the counter to pay and saw the most beautiful thing I had ever come across: the Bed Snake Bat.

I picked it up and eagerly read the little pamphlet that was attached to it. It featured a crudely drawn man and woman — both nude and sitting up in bed. The cartoon woman’s tits hung so low that the nipple drooped below the covers as she held a Bed Snake Bat over her head — ready to administer a proper flogging. Her eyes narrowed toward a small lump under the covers, protruding demurely between the man’s legs. I don’t remember the exact caption, but it had something to do with women needing protection from the deadly menace that was the bed snake. Hence, therein lies the Bed Snake Bat.

Being a stupid, chubby kid, I had no idea about sex or beating the shit out of erect penises, yet something about the crudely drawn comic and this useless little novelty made me feel deliciously cheeky and dirty. I knew I couldn’t leave the great state of wherever-the-fuck we were without this delightful device.

Of course, I didn’t have enough scratch to cover everything, so I dumped the snacks and just bought the bat. It was my first impulse purchase and it spent the next few years kicking around the odd corners of my room. I threw it out a decade later, flooded by the shame and remorse of wasting money on a dumbass sex novelty instead of Funyuns and Clearly Canadian.

Perhaps if I had kept the bat, I may have stood a chance against the sudden threat of an “Alabama Meat Snake”, or the impending doom of a massive, pulsating, “elephantine schlong”.

Curious? Then check out my latest WTF Wednesday feature: Harry Potter and the Legend of the Cock, as read by the deep-voiced YouTube contributor, Brendanielreads.  Marvel as he chortles, booms, and snorts his way through this masterfully erotic Harry Potter fanfiction. Just that voice alone will make you cream all over your Hufflepuff…or whatever. I don’t know, I never really gave two shits about Harry Potter anyway.

And don’t forget to validate my useless hobby by retweeting or hitting that dumb little heart thingy on Instagram.

Enjoy it you filthy animals.

@BMovieBrunette

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