One of my favorite go-to movies on a rainy, Saturday evening is Noboru Iguchi’s Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead. It’s the perfect little slice of zombie movie cheese, paired with the subtle charm of crispy clean buttholes, the aroma of multiple up-skirt panty shots, and the fragrantly tender resolve to use your robust flatulence to fight the perversity of evil and corruption.

Of course, what could possibly be expected from a movie that is directed by a former straight-to-video porn director with a chubby, gamine smile, and cheeky titles under his sweaty, expanding little jock strap like Pink Pudding, Enema Shame Zone 13, and Beautiful Girl Excretion School, just to name a few.

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Noboru Iguchi: a man who’s just itching to roll his rice balls all over your soft, virgin sashimi.

Granted, the first viewing of Zombie Ass is bewildering, but with an open mind and an equally open asshole, it takes on a childish appeal that propels juvenile fart noises to an artistic level that is both tantalizing and traumatizing. It’s like the accidental boner you get when unwittingly walking in on your grandmother (nude and sans moo moo) to catch a less than accidental glimpse of a vintage, velvety landing strip and a deflated, sideways smile that bulges unevenly, like two flat tires crammed against each other in a dark garage. Certainly, the reaction to any perfectly tweezed twat is enough to get your love muscle going (even if it is your grandmother’s), but the image alone ensures that every bangable broad on your sexual horizon will now have to scootch into the room in a pair of Isotoners.

It’s a disturbingly scanty price to pay just to raise the ol’ red rocket off the launch pad, but if you’re brave enough to risk sexual scarification for a glimpse of a few anuses and implicit yet disappointing lesbian action, then I gladly present to you…

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In accordance with the standard horror movie formula, this masterpiece opens under spooky circumstances and poor weather, laced with the undertones of a young schoolgirl’s breathy, agonizing coos. In pain, she begs her labcoated father for intervention. He implores her to be strong and then proceeds to drag a chained zombie into the room, softening him up with a worn boxing glove, and a nagging suspicion that this father-daughter relationship isn’t exactly wholesome.

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It’s great when your dad takes an active interest in your sex life.

After a delightful, Austin Powers-esque scene of girls dancing in eggs while flying gracefully through a colon — this will make so much more sense later — we come upon Megumi, an adorable schoolgirl with discerning eyes and emotional baggage.

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Not really. Just buzzed.

Still reeling from the death of her younger sister, Ai, Megumi somberly accompanies a group of friends on a camping trip into the woods. Meanwhile, Maki, one of the more bosomy campers, slings a net over her shoulder and informs the group of their primary objective.

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Yup. They’re called agents.

While Maki searches for the perfect parasite to jumpstart her modeling career, Megumi sheepishly tags along while both her mind and skirt drift up into the wind of thought and teasingly voyeuristic panty shots. Of course, Megumi isn’t your ordinary Japanese schoolgirl. She nets wild salmon like Mr. Miyagi plucks flies and her school uniform consists of a strategic torso bearing crop top, a clean pair of pubescent, pearly white underwear, and that trademark red neckerchief that just screams “moon, prism, power”!

In the meantime Naoi, another fellow camper and Japan’s self-appointed messiah of Jerry Lewis-style shtick, mostly just flails and vomits everywhere.

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Ugh…it’s the girl’s high school locker room all over again.

And like any typical Japanese schoolgirl, Megumi inexplicably possesses black belt level karate skills and a maelstrom of devastating anxiety that relentlessly holds her back from achieving Super Saiyan Level 5. Determined not to relive the trauma of her sister’s death, she delicately Bruce Lee’s her way around rock formations while twisting, lowering, and swinging her legs about just in time to prevent another premature panty shot. After all, this is art we’re watching here, people.

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No, but it does keep rival girl scout troops out of your cookie slinging territory.

Sensing a challenge to her alpha-female nature, the mammarily gifted Maki storms back to camp to suck tooth enamel with fellow camper and drug enthusiast, Tak. After re-establishing vaginal dominance amongst the female campers, Maki finally gets her tapeworm. However, before she ingests it, she takes pause to comment on the woeful complexities of female relationships with the iambic perplexity of a Shakespearean hero caught between bliss and madness.

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What about sharts? Do sharts count?

And like any good porn-turned-horror movie, all hell breaks loose and somebody eventually loses a finger in an unsanitary hole, thus spending the next 20 minutes of the plot hemorrhaging to death or dying in some noble, dignified way.

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That’s exactly how I’m going out.

Desperate for relief the gang tries to escape, only to find that their van is inexplicably being driven off without them inside. With no transportation and few options, they stagger through the parasite-infested forest to a nearby village where they accidentally wander into creepy schoolgirl territory.

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East side, Chiggers!

And as the plot thickens, so do the muscle fibers of Maki’s sphincter, propelling her into the abandoned village’s only crap shack. All heretofore panty shots are now forgotten as the audience is thrust gingerly into the introductory ass portion of Zombie Ass.

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I honestly don’t even know how to caption this one.

While the rest of the gang strategizes for safety, Maki struggles to wiggle one out and, whether you like it or not, we’re treated to her unnaturally bleached anus and the moans of a woman about to drop a massive log in the middle of the woods without even so much as the back of a toothpaste tube to get her through the early stages of feverish pushing.

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Of course, your friendly, neighborhood outhouse fairy is always ready to ASS-ist!

A few gurgles and ass slaps later, Maki is up and fleeing in terror, catching up with the rest of the group. However, she is overcome by her fart demons (aren’t we all?) and she succumbs to a greasy, brown hoard of fecal fiends — of course, not before her anus erupts with a tri-pronged ass worm.

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Did I mention that she has a sandworm coming out of her ass? Because that’s super important to the plot. No, seriously, it is! I’ve watched this movie, like, 12 times already!

With the ass zombies still in hot pursuit, the remaining campers rely on Megumi to save the day, but not without a little improvisation on fellow camper Aya’s part.

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“Smashing!” – Nigel Thornberry (dictated but not read).

They’re ultimately saved by Dr. Tanaka, the mysterious doctor from the beginning of the movie, and taken into his home. They spend the next few scene gorging on boiled pasta and a quasi-scientific explanation as to why the villagers all became desperate, shit monsters. Tak meets his end, and Aya and Megumi — President and Vice President of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee, respectively — hold a meeting in the shower for some lesbian hugging and tragic flashbacks.

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I take it back. I see nothing remotely homosexual about this scene at all.

And if you hadn’t figured it out by now, creepy schoolgirl, Sachi, harbors the same kind of tapeworm that has been transforming the villagers into shit men, which coincidentally, secretes a fluid that prevents the progression of her leukemia.

Why? Because science and an Asian man in a white lab coat said so.

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Oh, how colon-venient! (Hot damn, I’m good.)

Of course, now that he’s been found out, Dr. Tanaka goes all Lex Luther on our asses with an explanation that violently crams both the viewer and the plot down past the pulsating, frothy cervix of the story’s climax. In exchange for preserving Sachi’s life the worm inside of her now requires human sacrifice, and Megumi and friends are next on the menu. As the accidental hosts of their own parasites — consumed inadvertently in their pasta dishes — they hop a chainlink fence and ultimately flee for their lives. Some ass kicking on Megumi’s part ensues and they escape, but with a new resolve to protect her friends, Megumi decides to go back to Dr. Tanaka’s office to recover a diarrhea inducing medication. Aya and Naoi continue ahead, but shit men overtake them. Coincidentally, Noai’s testicles decide to drop at that very same moment (despite the opposing pressure from his crotch suffocating jeans) and he fights the hoard to save Aya.

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Gonna go Mt. Vesuvius all over your Pompeii!

Of course, a baseball bat is never any match for ass monsters whose preferred form of attack is always ass-ways, but you can’t fault a man for trying.

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BUNSSSAAIIII! Get it? Buns? Eh, fuck you then.

After ducking into an empty warehouse, Naoi and Aya are cornered by Dr. Tanaka who proceeds to make more empty threats and grope Aya’s prickly little A-cups. Although Naoi begins to feel the effect of the parasite he still manages to will his ass worm against Dr. Tanaka, thus allowing Aya to escape. She flees, but is cut off by the now-parasitic Maki, who drops this memorable one-liner:

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See?! I told you her ass was pivotal to the plot!

Aya is then violently molested with Maki’s ass tentacles as they puncture her open orifices and strategically expose the upper half of her ass-crack (also referred to in medical dictionaries as the “coin slot”).

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Oh yes! Tickle my adrenal glands with your thorax! DON’T STOP!!

Megumi, having escaped from Dr. Tanaka’s lab and a disappointingly panty-less knife fight with Sachi, runs through the forest to save the remainder of her friends, only to realize that she is too late. And just when things seem dark for Megumi, Aya’s ass worm intervenes, saving her briefly from Maki and pleading for an end to her misery. In a veil of tears, Megumi shoots Aya, and then Maki.

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I can’t believe I ate the WHOLE thing.

And like any true villain, Maki dies, but then she doesn’t and we’re treated to a bath of chocolate syrup and strawberry jam while Maki gurgles and twitches into a state of Jar Jar Binksian disintegration.

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How wuude, meesa say!

After some tit-grabbing and prostrating, the queen parasite is reborn and tears through Maki’s body. Megumi fights the queen, but only when the giant, superimposed head of her dead sister shows up to encourage her to get her shit together.

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Mom always said you were a fuck up.

Megumi finds a renewed inner strength in the form of a fart rocket, compliments of the parasite that continues to mature inside of her.

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The fart rocket: a Japanese schoolgirl’s last line of defense.

An epic battle between Megumi, the possessed Sachi, and the queen parasite ensues complete with jabs and farting; although, it is disappointing that no one goes Super Saiyan in the end. Megumi is triumphant when the queen parasite drops Sachi to her death and Megumi anally injects the queen with the diarrhea-inducing serum.

Safely on the ground and with no natural enemy, Megumi resolves to continue living on for herself, and all of her friends who had to die as a result of a giant tapeworm tearing out of their anuses.

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So do yourself a favor and see Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead. It doesn’t matter if you have to picket Netflix until they upload it to their servers, scour the annals of the interwebs, or blow infected hobos in the gritty corners of a rail car. Just watch it and come back and spit your game all over my quivering comments section.

God knows I need the attention.

Fecally yours,

BMB

This post is dedicated to the memory of Michael Kim.